Trouble

[Psyche]

Three weeks had flown by since the arrival of their host. While Simon’s world was being torn apart, Andrew was, for the first time, truly enjoying himself. Although his mother was never far from mind, he was able to take advantage of the formerly unknown freedom of his youth in an exciting, new world. Even better, he had found a willing companion for his adventures in the ever-delightful Ann. Hardly a day had gone by that they weren't together, and he found each one more incredible than the last. Even after all this time, the feeling of her hand in his had never lost its novelty.
This particular evening had been spent at a fair, though lately he hardly seemed to notice his surroundings. In spite of the awe-filled sights and technologies of the future, he found it difficult at times to see anything but her: the way her chestnut hair played in the breeze, the shy little smiles she gave when their gaze met, how pale her skin seemed in the moonlight, how her eyes lit when she was engaged in a story. Every little detail about her he stored in his memory like a dear secret.
He smiled at her now, and held her close against the chill. They walked for some time in silence, leaving the clamor of the crowd farther behind them with every step. When there was nothing left but the sound of their footfalls, he stopped suddenly and pressed her hand.
”Tonight was lovely,” he spoke into the quiet, the vapor of his breath shimmering for a moment against the darkness. He paused to glance at her before continuing in a rush. “I was thinking that… Well… I like you a lot. I was wondering if you… felt the same.” During the confession, he blushed furiously, but the expression was short-lived. Her answer inspired a grin so large it seemed to barely fit on his face. ”So... Should I kiss you now?

Simon had stayed in his room for the duration of the afternoon, utterly oblivious to the hunger that was now gnawing mercilessly in the pit of his stomach. He could hear Taylor descend the stairs, and was overcome with a mingling of worry and jealousy. The rest was out of his hearing, and he allowed himself to be overcome once more by the torment of his thoughts. He had yet to move from his spot on the bed when he heard a knock at the door.
The sound sent him to his feet, and he found that his hands were trembling as he reached for the knob. Just as he had expected, Taylor stood in the doorway, his very presence accusing. Simon crossed his arms to hide the shaking in his limbs. He attempted to maintain a calm demeanor as Taylor proceeded to address his fears, and he shook his head dismissively when the man had posed his question.
”I don’t know,” he said, shrugging. ”Phae showed up with a bottle, but you were gone, so she just left it. Nora asked if she could have some and went to the basement. We heard her playing the piano for some time… I thought she went to sleep.” He pieced the words together in his mind before deciding what to reveal. He didn’t know what Nora had said, but judging by the man’s response, it had not been much. He relaxed slightly before considering the point of Taylor’s concern.
”What do you mean weird? Is she okay?” He allowed himself to express his interest on this point. ”How much did she have?” He frowned. She had seemed more forward than usual, but… He wondered just how impaired her judgment had been. He felt the fluttering of panic in his chest. She had kissed him. She had… Before he could be carried away by his thoughts, Simon reminded himself of his visitor and put an end to them. There would be plenty of time to worry when there weren’t eyes to notice.
The front door burst open, and he took the opportunity to dismiss himself. Andrew and Ann stood in the living room, happy as ever, and--not for the first time--Simon found himself envying their simplicity. His brother was beaming, describing to no one in particular the events of their evening. He was uncomfortably conscious of the presence of Taylor, and therefore pretended to be deeply interested in the account in the hope that it might excuse him from further questioning.
“I’m glad you’re back!” he said urgently, ignoring the confusion written on his younger sibling’s face. He tried to recall some of the bubbling in order to inspire conversation. ”You went to the fair, then? How nice.” He listened with rapt attention at the revival of his tale and silently thanked the boy for his willingness to enumerate every detail. When he was sure that the monologue was nowhere near its end, he turned to Taylor.
”I’ll go check on her,” he volunteered confidentially, before addressing the others. ”Why don’t the three of you decide what to do for dinner?” Andrew continued gushing, and Simon wasted no time. He paused at the foot of the stairs, and was immediately disquieted by Nora’s disheveled state. He cleared his throat to alert her to his presence, but did not dare approach.
”How are you?” he asked, pained.

[Stockmon]

Ann was always happy to spend more time with Andrew. He had a view of the world that didn’t match it’s current state. It made her happy and hopeful. He had a view of her that made her blush and smile. Her world was not such a happy and carefree place. Normally all she did was go to the library, to school, home, and maybe shop a bit. She kept her extra activities quiet. She went to Taylor’s basketball games, but those were only allowed because he lived in a less respectable area of town. Not that it was respectable at all. Ann had privileges because of her parents, and she had never really taken advantage of them, but now, with Andrew, she wanted to do everything with him.

Today they went to the fair. It gave Ann some anxiety to take Andrew around since he didn’t have a real ID, but it was worth it. They had been able to have some pseudo privacy and she found herself a bit more in his personal space than usual. As their day wound down she listened to his next comments. He was just making conversation and then began speaking quickly. “I was thinking that… Well… I like you a lot.” She blushed a bit more and blinked shyly. She really wasn’t used to being the sole attention of anyone. Clearly Andrew didn’t soley focus on Ann, but he had been far more attentive than she could have expected. She liked that. “I was wondering if you… felt the same.”

Ann nodded slowly, finding the red on his cheeks even more endearing. “Of course… I like you. I mean,” she bit her lip and let her eyes fall away gently, “I’m definitely interested in you, for… whatever you’re thinking about.” She wanted him to want something. Vague as that sounded. When he started grinning and asked if he should kiss her she giggled nervously. The fact that he would ask made her more nervous, but also was part of what she liked about him, “I think that would be good.”

Back at the house Taylor was enjoying himself far less than Ann. He was worried, and Simon, of course, was hostile. He explained where the alcohol came from at least. And Nora had been playing the piano drunk? She did love the piano, but he found it a bit strange. He wondered in the back of his head how well she could play impaired, but that was not very important. “I though she went to sleep.”

“At some point. I waited a while to go check…” Taylor remarked slowly.

“What do you mean weird? Is she okay? How much did she have?” At least Simon’s concern for Nora was still present, that helped.

“About three times her limit I think. I have no idea why she would have. I mean, even if she thought it was just a glass…” he sighed, his worry turning into frustration at his own confusion. Simon did seem distressed about something, but Taylor hardly had time to worry while the two teenagers came home spewing happiness and joy every which way.

Ann was merely holding onto Andrew and enjoying the moment, ignoring Simon’s distress. Wait, wasn’t he always distressed? She saw the confusion on Andrew’s face as Simon, for once, showed them some interest. She was confused. Taylor arched an eyebrow but did nothing more. “You went to the fair, then? How nice.” And that was all it took to excite Andrew again. Ann relaxed. Taylor heard Simon say he would check on Nora and he gave a small nod.

Downstairs Nora was still freaking out. She was stressing her mind to recall every detail. What she couldn’t remember was not much, and what she could was overwhelming. It wasn’t even that any of it was bad, which really stressed her out. And not knowing what to do. And it was nothing she had even considered. She just could not stop thinking. Simon, who had apparently shown up again, cleared his throat. Nora involuntarily gulped and her stress began to fade behind a look of blankness. She did not do vulnerability that well, and right now it was more frightening than not.

“How are you?”

“We need to talk,” she told him immediately, not answering how she was. She was still clothed, and sitting on the bed, so it was not as if she was indecent. Her heart sped up just at having Simon here. She knew she needed to talk to him, but now she had all these feelings to contend with. Emotional and remembered physical feelings. She much preferred the mental game she could play. Her hands ended up clasped together in her lap, “Can you sit somewhere? I am… um…” she wanted to be honest, but not vulnerable, and truthfully how was she? “Overwhelmed.”

[Psyche]

Simon watched her with dismay, astonished at how quickly the girl had fallen from her state of bliss into utter chaos. He was vaguely aware of the panic he knew he should be feeling, but the high he had attained at her touch made it hard to recognize anything but the contrast of this crushing despair. She seemed fixed in a dangerous perspective, and he felt the need to interject before she could pursue it any farther.
”Nora,” he began. ”I’m sorry. I don’t… I didn’t mean to…” Take advantage. ”I didn’t know. I thought you wanted… He sighed. He was sure of little more than the fact that things had gone in a very different direction than he had anticipated. He didn’t know what she was thinking, he didn’t know what she remembered. How could he have done this?
She requested that he sit, and he obliged with a look of quiet remorse. He tarried a moment, attempting to prepare himself for the blame. After the hopes he had entertained, this sudden change of heart tore at him mercilessly. He tried to meet her eyes before turning away in guilt. He trained his gaze on his hands and listened to the distant trill of conversation as if he might convince himself that it was all a dream. When, after some time, she remained silent, he had to guess at her qualms.
”I don’t… have to tell anyone,” he said at last, heart sinking. ”It wasn’t your fault. I… I should never have taken such liberties.”

[Stockmon]

It was all very difficult to see. Nora felt guilty. She did not feel so much blame as sheer guilt. Confusion, chaos, fear. This was not chess, this was life, and she so wished that it could be played like chess. Simon was not chess. Her heart was still pounding and she was sure her face was red, and she could remember far more than was helpful at the moment. Her mouth felt uncomfortably dry and she could hardly look at him at all while he was speaking. Nora, I’m sorry. I don’t… I didn’t mean to… I didn’t know. I thought you wanted… and for some reason it stung. His sigh, what she could only assume was implied.

He thought she wanted… him? To kiss? To… to do all the things she so clearly wanted when they had been down here last. Down here, where they were again, alone. Nora swallowed again, her mouth really was too dry. She had felt comfortable enough with him in a nightgown, and she swore, she felt naked now fully clothed. And she felt sad. And she kept flipping between don’t show weakness and don’t shut him out. And there was a strong underlying tone of but this will literally ruin your life. She looked absolutely pained.

I’m s-sorry… I started it… she couldn’t speak though. She heard him, and it really just made it worse, the words causing the gnawing in her stomach to increase. I don’t… have to tell anyone. It wasn’t your fault. Her brows furrowed in contemplation. No, this was not alright. Liberties? She didn’t know every little detail that he did, but she did know she had started it, and she had asked for it. And he said he loved her, and she could only imagine what that would mean with her… acting how she had.

“I…” she opened her mouth slowly, finding it hard to decide what she needed to say. She had to say something, “It… was my fault. I am responsible for my own actions, I am n-not blaming you. Things are somewhat blurred but I remember that I started it, and most certainly encouraged you. I also know that… yes, void of you never mentioning it again,” she hesitated to mention that. She cleared her throat, “I would be,” ruined, disgraced… rightfully so… “subject to a great deal of negative attention at the very least. Or I’d need to be married off… or, well,” marry you but… that thought scared her. Marriage overall, she lost control. She really did, and she hated that. “S-so, you said you loved me… apparently. I, um, seem to at least… reciprocate some of that, although I cannot say that helps in any way.”

[Psyche]

Again, he found himself completely out of control. Nora spoke, but it seemed more of an internal dialogue than a plea for his input. He supposed she would come to a conclusion without his help. His future was unravelling before him, and he had nothing to say. He followed Nora with cautious eyes, feeling no real motivation to intercede. He knew what would happen… No matter how long she deliberated, no matter the objections raised, the solution was inevitable.
She took credit for her part in the events, and--though he knew he should feel relieved--he waved it away. Ultimately, it didn’t matter. He was glad that she knew his position, that his blame was lessened, but even this held little sway. He could see the possibilities fleeting before her eyes and knew she was now taking on the worries he had held for so long. He felt guilty for putting her there, distraught at the effect they were wreaking.
When they had kissed, some part of him had hoped that she would be blind to the downsides… That the light of their relationship would be enough to chase away any shadows. But he knew she hadn’t felt the same… He had told her he loved her, and she had called him crazy. He couldn’t comprehend her reasoning. Was it pure jealousy that had driven her into his arms? Drunkenness? Loneliness? Whatever it was, she seemed repentant now, and he found himself ashamed to have delighted in it. It was hard to feel bitter. Even if she did have feelings, the suffering if she pursued them would be almost entirely pinned upon her. He had nothing to lose, but she had so much.
She spoke of marriage, steering well away from Simon as the object. The sudden pause stung with unspoken meaning. He knew better than that, of course. She intimated, in as many words as she could muster, that his feelings of attraction were requited, before immediately reminding him of their lack of value.
”I know,” he interjected, wishing she had left the subject alone. ”I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. I never meant for this… I know that doesn’t help much.” It all seemed to crash around him at once. ”I’d do anything. I just don’t know. I can resign. We can never speak of this again. No one would have to know.” The thought of abandoning her was one he couldn’t bring himself to imagine. ”We could go away together.” He flushed. ”I would marry you, if there wasn’t so much to lose. We could find someone else. You could stay...” with Taylor. He couldn’t suggest it. He breathed in raggedly, conscious of the overwhelming urge to sob. He hid his face in his hands.
”Nora, I don’t know,” he breathed. Just stay with me. Just love me. Why does something so simple have to be so hard? The fact that she wanted it too, somehow made the loss even graver. He almost wished she had feigned indifference. Rejection would be easier.

[Stockmon]

Simon felt out of control? Did he now? Nora felt much the same. Simon had control over himself and that might have seemed all. Nora had control over herself, her finances, her household. These were things that protected her. If she were ever to marry, she would lose every ounce of that. She would be at the whims of some man who did not even care about her. He had her money, she had his name, her had her power, she had… nothing. Marriage was a condemnation and a terror to a woman like Nora. A woman whose emotions required the cold and closed off depths of her heart so that no one would judge them as they judged every other thing she did. She could simply not become someone’s puppet.

And then there was Simon. Her tears welled up, the lump in her throat swelled, but she would not break. If her throat had been dry it was a desert now. He looked so vulnerable and it was as if the effort she put forth to help him was only making it worse. “I’d do anything.” One of the things he said. Did he really, truly, love her that much? Love her… like that? It did not cease to cause her anxiety. Or butterflies. She could not know how this felt. She did not know what to do. Was she pleased? She was too overwhelmed to be pleased, but perhaps she could be, in time. This all seemed so very rushed and urgent, and if she had the time to calm and think she would not be able to breathe. She understood the urgency.

“I can resign.”

“No! No…” she shook her head quickly. It would kill Nathaniel. Nathaniel might kill Simon for this, but it would certainly kill him to have his best friend gone. It would kill Mrs. Lockwood to not have the finances. Kill Simon’s spirit. It would kill Nora. “Do not do that.” And to never speak of this again? She could not have him there and just pretend. Her memories would cause her to be foolish, no doubt.

“We could go away together.” She had not ceased to blush, she blinked at him and saw his face grow red, “I would marry you, if there wasn’t so much to lose.” She noticed that the sentence did not even end before he gave reason why it could not be a possibility. She chose to dwell on it despite that. “Nora, I don’t know.” Again he seemed so upset. His head in his hands. She could have, at some point, sat there, her guilt second to her propriety, but they had been through too much. All these events in the past months, she could not.

Nora stood and moved swiftly over to Simon. His hands as they were she slid her arms around his sides to hug him. It only pumped up the nervous and confused feelings in her stomach to be so close to him. Without the alcohol, but with her emotions running so high, she still felt far more attached than she ought. “It… I-I could not just agree to run off and wed. A-and that is certainly no way to ask if you had, though you have ready a list of reasons to discount what it seems to so badly want.” Her voice shook as she spoke, but she tried to sound at least confident in her words, “I am not so apt to marry, as the thought terrifies me…” and if they did, if somehow, down the line, they did, she would have to not only give him all her power, but actually trust him to care for her and take care of her. That was somehow less terrifying. Hadn’t he already been doing that? “But I suspect, if… you so wanted, there are things short of marriage, that can be done… courtship,” the word really, truly, honestly, made her sick with nerves, “comes to mind. But for all my, venom and violent, I do believe that remains the man’s job…” It was, honestly, the best she could do. It was killing her to even say these things. It was not that she did not feel them, but it was taking an emotional recluse, and forcing her to cut open her heart to see what lay inside. It was brutal, but Simon deserved that, she felt.

[Psyche]

Simon’s head was pounding. He was curious how long it would be before someone wondered where they had gone. The last thing they needed now was an interruption. He rubbed his temples in silence as Nora considered their options. What were they even suggesting? Marriage… courtship? This morning, there had been nothing between them. It was as if all sense had escaped them. As if. No. It most certainly had. Disconnected thoughts raced through his mind, not a single one of them coherent. He felt her arms around him and was suddenly ashamed. It was her future, and he was falling apart.
”No, of course not,” he responded to her reproof. ”I know we couldn’t run away. I’m not… I’m not altogether lucid at the moment.” This seems like a dream. ”You know, this is never how I imagined it. It’s not exactly the picture of romance, is it? I’m sorry.” He stood and held her. ”I should never… I didn’t want things like this. I didn’t imagine this could ever happen, and when I saw the opportunity, I jumped. I should have considered…” The honesty surprised him, and he sank into thought. ”If I could, I would give you the world, but it’s not that easy. I am not like you. I don’t have money or status. I couldn’t give you the things you deserve. You have no idea what it would do to me to see you torn down because of me.” He pulled from her grasp and crossed the room.
”I won’t have you crippled because of me,” he insisted. ”I wish I could be the man you needed. I want to love you and take care of you, but I can’t. I can’t even keep from hurting you. I’m so damn inadequate.” The word made him wince. ”I’m a servant, Nora… Your servant. I can’t provide for you; I can’t even provide for myself. I’ve abandoned my family. I’ve betrayed your trust… and your brother’s.”
”Nora, I want you… So badly. You’re everything… but I am not good for you. I refuse to become a regret.”

[Stockmon]

Simon was at the very least frustrating, and it was well possible he was also infuriating. She just could not understand this man. Could not grasp how he could be jumping around like this. I t was terribly hard for her, but she wasn’t saying the things he was saying. He wasn’t lucid. He wanted this. He did. He… wanted to be romantic? He kept apologizing in some way. Explaining why he had done the things he had when she was drunk. Wishing to give her the world. She felt her stomach turning more with nerves. It was… nothing she had ever expected from anyone, let alone Simon. He was saying all the things a man who actually wanted to win her heart might say, except saying them all under the pretense of being bad for her. He actually seemed pretty good for her right now.

He mentioned her being torn down, which she could assume was related to society. They hated her already. What did she really care? They did not rule her, and they could not steal from her the things she enjoyed. He pulled away and walked off. She sighed in frustration but listened. His words hurt to hear, but he just kept going, and ended with “Nora, I want you… so badly. You’re everything…” she gulped at that, but he continued, he refused to become a regret.

She felt extremely frustrated now, and walked over to him, grabbing his hand in no uncertain terms. She grabbed both for good measure. “Simon Lockwood, stop this. Just…. Just stop. What is it you think I need from a man?! Do you think I need money and power? Because I have that. Why would I want that, let alone need it? I have dismissed all possible suitors despite that they have those things. Do you not remember this? Have you paid no attention to that? For someone who I hear has been interested in me for… who knows how long. I want,” her voice got quieter as she really didn’t like to share these things, “to be loved and… a-and cared for emotionally, not financially. Society hates me, and if I do something that makes me happy, and annoys them, then I have no regrets. Stop saying I will regret you,” she swallowed again, “or that you can’t do things that… right n-now you seem to be the only one who can. So what if I want to be with you? You are telling me I’m not allowed that?” she was upset, and vulnerable, and still gripping his hands, and much as she definitely hated to admit it, she was scared.

[Psyche]

Simon considered her words with caution. It was impossible to believe she could mean such a thing. As a man born into poverty, more accurately enslaved by it, the complete indifference with which she regarded money astounded him. In their society it was everything: position, prestige… It was where you could go, who you could know. It was the power of life and death. He considered his mother and brother, who would starve were it not for his wages. He recognized his fortune. So many were lacking even that. Nathaniel had always been generous with him, but it was difficult not to experience a pang of bitterness at the extravagance his peers displayed.
It was not that they were unknowing. Far from it. It seemed the rich had a keen scent for others like themselves. It was everything else toward which they were apathetic. Hard work, integrity, good will. It was all meaningless without a bit of paper to vouch for your true value. They took one look and dismissed him as a parasite. Even in his fine clothes, he was nothing but a shining fraud.
The Ashton’s had money, and its mere existence was enough to buy all the outward respect in the world. Even if they felt no kinship, people from all around regarded them with esteem. And why not? They were unbreakable, immortal, untouched by the trouble of this world. Theirs was the power to determine the future of an insignificant life like his own. They had saved him, pardoned him from a life of despair… All with a few coins and a good word. He was grateful to them, but sometimes he found them exceptionally unaware.
Did she not realize how quickly the world would turn on them? The fake smiles, the feigned friendly gestures… Any semblance of good will would turn to outright hate. The whims of the rich were merciless. Their wishes were law. As long as you played the game, or at least pretended, life could be so sweet. What they proposed to do was madness. He wondered how she couldn’t see.
”Nora…” he pleaded. You could do so much better. She couldn’t be in her right mind. No sane woman of her stature could think this way. ”Is this really what you want? I need you to be sure.”

[Stockmon]

Simon could be cautious all he liked. Nora was cautious. Did he not see how she acted around others? She weighed her choices, her words. She snapped out at some, but this did not mean she didn’t think before she acted. At the moment she was so frustrated, so very frustrated with everything. She hated society and their judgments. She never wanted to play their games. She played them enough to keep Nathaniel from ruining his and her lives. That did not speak to any high regard that she might secretly have held for society. No, they had hurt her enough. She was not going to let their judgment to ruin what might actually make her happy.

As far as money, Simon could be unfair. It was something he lacked, and yet something he thought he understood. Money was a blessing, money was an asset, money was power. Money was binding. Yes, Nora could go where she liked, and do as she liked in some regards, but it didn’t mean she had a love for money. Having money meant that she was responsible for a standard. It meant that people knew who she was an scrutinized her every move. It meant she had a new set of rules. If Andrew wanted to love a girl he met he was allowed. If Nora wanted to love someone, they had to be specific. And then there were people like Simon. Worse than Simon, but he shared some of it. People who assumed things of Nora. Assumed she was a certain way, and that she took money for granted. Well it was granted. She didn’t want it to define her. She only wanted to live her life. It was a blessing that she had options, but it was hard to have people judge her and her brother for spending the money they had. As if they should feel guilty for having it. That was what upset Nora. Not that she let it show.

“Nora… Is this really what you want? I need you to be sure.”

Nora groaned some, “I would not have said it if I was not sure. I would not string you along that way. If need be, we can…. Go somewhere,” the idea stung. Leaving Nathaniel was absolutely horrible, but she knew the consequences of the decisions she was making, “Now, can you stop questioning what I want and tell me what you want? Or kiss me,” she said gently, awkwardly, blinking at the floor. She hoped it was taken as something far simpler than it seemed. Maybe as a joke. Maybe as an indication that he should talk instead. She wasn’t sure, she was sure it was inappropriate, but hopefully it would help to show she was certain.

[Psyche]

The woman seemed frustrated by his reluctance, and he expressed some confusion when she let out a groan. It was, after all, in her best interest to consider this thoroughly. He wondered at her impatience. The pain in her eyes at the mention of moving was obvious, and he began to understand her position.
“Now, can you stop questioning what I want and tell me what you want? He was silent. How could he know? The world that he wanted, and the world he could have were two different things entirely. Every second he spent debating their course of action further solidified the fact in his mind. She said she wasn’t concerned with wealth or society… but he wanted those things for her. He wanted the world for her. How could he ask for a relationship that seemed so much of a sacrifice? He wasn’t good enough. He couldn’t be good enough. How could he be happy? It wasn’t simply a question of what he wanted for himself. Or kiss me.
He looked at her, incredulous. Surely she couldn’t be serious about everything she had said. He wasn’t desirable. He could understand doing what it took to be with the one you love, but the idea of leaving everything behind for your awkward, sulking butler seemed laughable at best. He almost did laugh. The whole situation was so ridiculous. He took a moment to remind himself of the sobriety.
”I want you,” he said, quietly. In his mind, he addressed a myriad of reasons he shouldn’t, before silencing them with a kiss. Their lips connected for only a second, before he pulled her into an embrace. ”I’ll do whatever it takes.”

[Stockmon]

Of course Nora was frustrated by Simon’s reluctance. Here he was, confusing her at every turn, here there he went, claiming not to have the things she didn’t care for, but saying he could give her the only thing she actually required, but to say it as if it were the least relevant. Perhaps he needed a lesson in what Nora actually valued, but besides that he was leagues above every other man to pay her mind in this subject. Besides Taylor, but as it had been made more than abundantly clear, she could never be with Taylor. She would never try that again. She had a slowly sinking feeling she was basically set with the only man she could be with. Especially if anyone ever found out about this. No one would give her a glance, which in some ways sounded a relief, and in some ways made her grow more and more uncomfortable. Maybe this was why the man was actually supposed to be in charge, so that for once in so many years Nora could rely on someone besides herself.

Of course she was frustrated, he told her that he loved her, and then insisted she disregard it. What woman would not be frustrated? He listened as she asked him what he wanted. He seemed so sure of himself before, or he seemed to at least know what he wanted, while informing her of its impracticality. Now he just stood there. She was certain he was thinking about this, and she missed the times when he was pushed into actually saying some of those thoughts. He gave her the most unpleasant look when she mentioned him kissing her, and she just blushed some more. Yes, he was…. Awkward, sulking, a butler, and a horrible pain to her at times, but mostly that last part came from having been with him for so long. She didn’t usually hold it against him. She would try to cease doing that. I want you,. Surely she was blushing more, and then he did actually kiss her and she was half surprised and half pleased, and all flustered. It seemed much more important and serious than the kisses from before. Not that those hadn’t been her own fault as well. Her fault. She silently thought of it as something more pleasant, her own doing, was still too neutral, but she didn’t dare to think too deeply on it. It was confusing, and improper, and how could she relax when she was sure he would argue with her again at any moment?

“I’ll do whatever it takes.”

She gulped, and hugged him back, allowing herself to lay her head on his shoulder, or against it, as he was towering compared to her stature. “I would appreciate that. I would like that.” It was the best she could do right now to actually accept someone else almost sort of taking care of her. He had his struggles in accepting that she might, goodness forbid, like him, at all, and she had her struggles accepting that someone she now liked was arguing with her on it. Oh, and trust, that thing. She didn’t really want to dwell on that though. There will a million things left to dwell on, and discuss, but they needed to stop standing in the basement seemed entirely improper lest they get caught and have even more stress added to the load.